On my heart.....basically, my baby.....and her mother. Her mother has actually REALLY been on my heart since July 18. I mean, through this process I have obviously thought about the existence of my baby and of her birth mother. However, July 18th it really hit me.....my daughter....who will be loved for, bathed, fed, played with, cared for & adored in my home.....has a different mother at this point.....and her heart is broken. My eyes filled up with tears multiple times a day for days in a row as I thought about her and prayed for her and hoped that she will be able to find some peace. I cannot possibly imagine her side of things. I have 2 beautiful children who I am able to care for well (I mean...they don't always brush their teeth or have on underwear....but you know what I mean) and am so looking forward to having my wished-for daughter home. I have never been anywhere close to having to even fathom for a second not being able to spend my life with my child. Our daughter feels like she is already a part of me.....and at the same time she is a part of her birth mother.....I can only imagine that she feels (or felt if she has passed) as though a part of herself is being ripped away. It is so hard to connect my joy to so much pain....and yet they are connected.....and always will be.....and I pray that my knowledge of the gift she sacrificed will make me appreciate our daughter (and our sons) even more every second.
I have also thought about my daughter constantly lately....I know that she is alive at this point and that seems to have changed my perspective to think about her constantly. I think about her....and all of the other orphans around the world.....when I tuck my sons in at night.....when their stomachs hurt and I give them a bath and a tums......when they are scared in the night and we run to comfort them.....when Abel scrapes his knee and needs a kiss and a bandaid.....when Eli is so excited he got the ball thru the hoop and we celebrate........I think of the kids without mothers or fathers. I literally ache with the knowledge that there are so many children who do not have someone to bathe them when they don't feel well or treat their cuts & scrapes with love and attention. I am coming for my daughter.....but what about the others???
Kind of a heavy post but there has been alot on my heart lately.....the wait is getting hard....the burden I feel for the plight of orphans is heavy.....and I haven't had the words for my feelings for the last few weeks. I still don't really have the words but I had to try!
As far as our personal journey, we are #2 on the waiting list!! There is only one family ahead of us on the list for a baby girl at this point, so "the call" could literally come any day. I have officially taken to stalking my phone and the computer....I am afraid I am becoming obnoxious!