I am a reader. I read all kinds of books....it is an unusual day for me if I don't spend time immersed in a story. In case you are wondering how this is possible, I will just tell you that reading is usually the culprit behind the circles under my eyes. Stories feed me. They feed my mind and they relax me. My love of stories carries over into a love of movies, too...but the movie watching time (unlike the book reading time) has suffered greatly as my life has changed into that of a wife and a mother.
Anyway....why do I mention this?? Because my love of stories often lends itself to my thinking of life a bit like it is a movie or a book. In the quiet moments, I wonder about these things...what the soundtrack of the moment would be...what the stories of the mountains around me are...what the soil would murmur to me if it could...what tales the wind would tell if it spoke my language. I want to hear the stories of the world around me. I take stories to heart. Whenever I cry in movies or books, Nathan says "It's not real, you know." And without fail, I respond with "These things happen in real life...people experience them...even if these people are fictional...these hard things are real."
These things...the good and the bad...the stories of our lives and the things that we experience...they make up a dance of sorts. That is how I look at it. Like trees moved by the wind, we move and bend with the things that we experience. Sometimes we are moved by a gentle breeze and other moments bring a wind that blows so violently we duck our heads and hope that we are still standing when the storm passes. Garth Brooks says "we learn as we go...sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow"....but this dance of life is so much more than that. Not only are we moved by the wind around us, but by our own feet. We step forward and we step back. Sometimes we stumble and we are embarassed. Sometimes the person we dance with holds us up and sometimes we provide the support. We have glorious moves that make us want to shout in triumph and we fall sometimes when we least expect it. The music that surrounds us is fast and it is slow. We have moments where we move with ease and without thinking and moments where exhaustion is written on our faces and bodies so clearly that those watching cringe. Sometimes when we dance we are at peace and at other times we struggle to even hear the music. We are distracted by pain and heartache or busyness....and we stumble because we can't hear the notes. But they will come again. We are creatures who move. Given life by the breath of God into dirt. The soundtrack changes constantly....moment by moment....day by day....but always we move...always we are moved....and always we know that the dance will continue. In the hard moments when we stumble we know that "this too, shall pass." In the carefree moments when we seem to soar above the clouds we know that we will land again. The things that are constant never change....that we will always be moving, ebbing and flowing...that we need other people to dance with so that there is someone to catch us when we stumble....that the music that moves us is full of the notes of the past and the hope of the future....that as much as we are trying to enjoy the moment (and do occassionally accomplish getting lost in it), we are also creatures who anticipate the next step we will take because the unknown unsettles us. Our life is a dance, you see. We move thru the days both intentionally and without control of the wind that moves around us. Our life and our dance are filled with moments of regret and guilt that we have to learn to release so that they don't continue to affect our steps. We have to remember the moments of pain and of beauty while knowing that steps we take now are important in their own right. Look to the next step...but know that it will flow if you concentrate on where you are now. We were created in God's image...created for beauty and life....and that matters.
These are the things I think as I try not to be consumed by the wait of this adoption journey. There are moments where I feel suffocated and moments where I feel like I have fallen. It helps to remind myself that this a dance and that the next step will look different. There are moments when I try to let go and let the wind move me....or moments when I need to be held up....moments when I focus on the present and manage to enjoy a glorious step in the beauty that surrounds me....and moments when the missing piece feels like too much. But this life is a dance and a future surrounded by all of my children will come...and I know that there will be triumphant steps and crushing ones in that season of my dance, too.
It is my prayer for you, my friends, that the seasons of your life are filled with more beautiful moments than you can count...and that in the hard ones, you are able to let the wind move you and remember that a new step is only a moment away.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The Fight
Here's the thing. I have realized that as a follower of Christ, I oftentimes wish that being obedient would be easy. I think that if I am called to something and step out in faith and obedience....then the details should fall into place. It should be easy. It should go well. I should be blessed with the ease of the process. But here's the thing....David still had to face the giant even though he had the faith to step onto the battlefield. Being obedient and leaving the tent was not enough....he still had to step into the war....still had to battle the giant....and still had to keep the faith that the Lord was behind him. I was told a couple of weeks ago by a woman I met in passing (who I liked very much, lest this sound like a judgment) that she would love to adopt if it were easier. I know where she is coming from.....I wish that it were easier. Wish it alot actually :) But the truth is that the battle for children's lives is just that....a battle. I read a quote on a friend's blog recently from "Adopted for Life" by Russell Moore. He said "Adoption is not charity, it is war". Amen. We are engaged in a battle. We are fighting a war. And as much as I wish that this were easy....as much as I wish I could sleep well....as much as I wish that my heart were not on the line....and as much as I wish less time and less energy and far fewer tears were involved in this process....that is not the way it goes.
The lives and hearts and futures of children are on the line. Living, breathing, beautiful children. And the devil wants them. He wants to win. He wants for me to roll over and decide that it is too hard. He wants for us to decide that it isn't worth it. He wants for us to question our calling because it isn't easy. And sometimes he almost wins. Almost. For we hold knowledge ....knowledge that the saints who have gone before us fought. The Bible and history books are full of stories of anguish and sacrifice coupled with faith. I have the benefit of seeing the battles fought in the past. We hold faith. Faith that we will not be abandoned. Faith that we do not fight alone. Faith that sometimes we are called to peace and sometimes we are called to do battle.
And I hear it...the voice of truth. Lyrics that resonate with me: "For the voice of truth tells me a different story. The voice of truth says do not be afraid. The voice of truth says this is for My glory." So when the devil sneaks in and says "The calling isn't true. You shouldn't have to do battle....it is too hard. His life isn't worth the fight....maybe he isn't meant to be yours"......I will tell the devil that I will fight.....and I will fight long and hard so I hope he is ready. It is my son he wants to take....and that simply is not an option.
It has been a tough week. You may have gleaned that from this post so far :) Last week I got the news that my fingerprints had been rejected by the FB!...again....for the second time. Before you can ask...no, I do not work with concrete and no, I am not 100 years old. For some reason my fingerprints just suck. So today I drove all the way to Denver to have them done for the 3rd time. The impact of this little delay on our adoption, you may ask? Nathan's fingerprints have been done for 5 weeks now and mine will be at least 1 more week if everything goes perfectly. So this has been a 6 week delay. A 6 week delay is not the end of the world....the major problem? 6 weeks most likely means the difference between a court-date in July (before courts close) and having to wait until late October (at the earliest) when courts re-open. And that, my friends, feels like an eternity when your child is living in an orphanage. On top of it, Ethiopia has announced some slow downs in the court date realm in the last 2 weeks....and we can't even get in line. I am frustrated and I am tired and I have shed alot of tears and done alot of tossing and turning. But the first 2 paragraphs of this post reflect where I have arrived. The above words describe where I have landed. We have been encouraged by sweet words from friends in the last week and they have meant so much. We will stand and we will fight.
The lives and hearts and futures of children are on the line. Living, breathing, beautiful children. And the devil wants them. He wants to win. He wants for me to roll over and decide that it is too hard. He wants for us to decide that it isn't worth it. He wants for us to question our calling because it isn't easy. And sometimes he almost wins. Almost. For we hold knowledge ....knowledge that the saints who have gone before us fought. The Bible and history books are full of stories of anguish and sacrifice coupled with faith. I have the benefit of seeing the battles fought in the past. We hold faith. Faith that we will not be abandoned. Faith that we do not fight alone. Faith that sometimes we are called to peace and sometimes we are called to do battle.
And I hear it...the voice of truth. Lyrics that resonate with me: "For the voice of truth tells me a different story. The voice of truth says do not be afraid. The voice of truth says this is for My glory." So when the devil sneaks in and says "The calling isn't true. You shouldn't have to do battle....it is too hard. His life isn't worth the fight....maybe he isn't meant to be yours"......I will tell the devil that I will fight.....and I will fight long and hard so I hope he is ready. It is my son he wants to take....and that simply is not an option.
It has been a tough week. You may have gleaned that from this post so far :) Last week I got the news that my fingerprints had been rejected by the FB!...again....for the second time. Before you can ask...no, I do not work with concrete and no, I am not 100 years old. For some reason my fingerprints just suck. So today I drove all the way to Denver to have them done for the 3rd time. The impact of this little delay on our adoption, you may ask? Nathan's fingerprints have been done for 5 weeks now and mine will be at least 1 more week if everything goes perfectly. So this has been a 6 week delay. A 6 week delay is not the end of the world....the major problem? 6 weeks most likely means the difference between a court-date in July (before courts close) and having to wait until late October (at the earliest) when courts re-open. And that, my friends, feels like an eternity when your child is living in an orphanage. On top of it, Ethiopia has announced some slow downs in the court date realm in the last 2 weeks....and we can't even get in line. I am frustrated and I am tired and I have shed alot of tears and done alot of tossing and turning. But the first 2 paragraphs of this post reflect where I have arrived. The above words describe where I have landed. We have been encouraged by sweet words from friends in the last week and they have meant so much. We will stand and we will fight.
Monday, March 7, 2011
The boy....
For those of you who have not been here for the day-to-day, nitty-gritty, I want to share some of the details about what God has done the last two months! First, I should explain that I am not allowed to share any pictures or identifying details..."T" isn't officially ours and there are rules about sharing set up to protect the kiddos! I can't show you his picture (yet!) but his story has already begun to be interwoven with ours...and THAT I don't have to wait to share!
At the end of November, I felt, for the first time in a year, the urge to look at the waiting children's portion of our agency's website. I had not looked at the waiting list or even thought about it for almost a year....since Mia came home. The list came to the forefront of my mind and heart and I looked and I prayed...and that was that. I looked everyday for a week or two. There was one face that struck me everyday. There were probably a dozen or so beautiful faces on that page at the time....but everyday my eyes were drawn to the face of the little boy who was the third from the left on the top row. Every time I looked, I would scroll thru all 6 of his pictures a dozen times.
A couple of weeks before Christmas, I did 2 things to quiet my spirit. I emailed our coordinator at IAN and asked about him and then (notice the order :)?) I mentioned to Nathan that I had asked about him. I got a quick reply back from IAN that told me he had not been referred and no one had even looked at his file....and I got a quick reply back from Nathan that was something along the lines of "no way, no how, not now....you are crazy". I am paraphrasing, but that is the general gist!
The truth is that there was a tug in my spirit at that point, but it had not transferred to my head or to my heart. My faith had been stretched to the max when we adopted Mia....an infant, a baby, a child with no memory of where she had been or what she had been thru. All of the questions about time and money and disruptions came rushing back and I reassured myself that Nathan was right....we were good....we were comfortable....we would NOT go there.
And yet, as discomforted as my heart and mind were, my spirit was more so....it would not rest, it would not let me find peace, it would not be quieted. At the beginning of January (3 weeks or so after our initial conversation) I told Nathan that I thought we were supposed to be praying about adopting again. I could not rest and I could not fight it anymore....so I asked him to pray....I told him that I thought we were supposed to be seeking. And my sweet husband (probably already knowing what was coming) smiled at me, sighed, and agreed. It took about 2 weeks....maybe not even that long. I can't remember what precipitated the moment. I can't remember if it was a sermon or a song or a book quote. But I do remember the moment. I looked at him and I said, "You know we are supposed to adopt again, right?" His reply? "I know." That was it..."I know" and our fate was sealed. We had a brief discussion where we decided to start saving and praying and to move forward "in a year or so". That was the timing that worked for us, we figured :) My spirit was comforted and quieted and at peace......for about 5 days. 5 days is how long it took for the Lord to overwhelm me.
My passion....it is what He uses to get us there, remember? This time was no different. His face was everywhere. I saw it when I closed my eyes. I saw it in the faces of my biological sons. I saw him all day long as I tried to go about my day. The specific face of that little boy who was the third from the left on the top row was everywhere I went, all day long. I had put that face out of my mind for more than a month and suddenly, it was everywhere. I went to the computer and tried to pull up the waiting child page. The password had changed and I panicked. That was Saturday, January 15th. On Monday I called IAN and asked for the password....and there he was. I called back and asked about him and was told that somebody had been reviewing his file but that they had had it for 2 weeks and hadn't acted. They would check into it and let me know.
Nathan had told me I could call and ask for the file but "T's" face wasn't on his mind constantly...he was going along with it because he recognizes when I am half-hearted about something and when I will probably let it go. This didn't strike him as a "letting-go" moment in our lives, so he let me run. For 2 days we talked and discussed and prayed and wrestled about a decision we may or may not have to make. I told myself it would be so much easier if the referral had already been accepted. The answers to my questions would be taken care of. I wouldn't have to decide: Could we handle 4 children? Would changing our birth order be ok? Would an older child disrupt our family too much? Would we be able to handle the financial burden? Would our time be stretched too thin? None of them would matter....it would be over and I could rest and be free and go back to my simple life.
And then, on Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from our coordinator and she said "I have a file for you to review". My reaction???? Tears of relief. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over and the tension I did not know I had been holding in my heart broke. Relief washed over me with coolness and cleansing.....and I was shocked. I was relieved?!?!?!?! There was no doubt in my mind what my emotions were....everything was clear....the questions did not matter....he could be mine....and I was relieved.
I came home to talk to Nathan and he told me to give him 2 days to think and pray without pestering him. As if I would ever pester. That night he asked me several questions about "T" and each time he asked me about "our son" :)
By Thursday we decided we needed to talk to our families. We were going to blind-side them. This had all been private, and fast, and passionate. We could feel the calling. We could feel the rightness. We could feel the peace. But we knew that our families would be caught off guard and at square one. We braced ourselves. We fielded questions. We talked and we listened. We were reminded once again of how we have been blessed. Although there were lots of questions and surprised reactions and some bafflement involved.....we never felt unsupported or unloved. We are so blessed to have family and friends who understand us and understand our God and who are willing to walk beside us. They will also choose "T". They will love him and protect him and he will be part of them because he will be part of us. There is no greater gift on this earth.
We prayed over the weekend....but we also plotted how to add a bed:) and on Monday, January 24th, we officially accepted the referral of "T". He will be our son and a co-heir with his brothers and sister. He will become a part of our lives and our hearts and our journey.
Who is he? On paper he will be 6 in April, but he is probably older. This makes him our oldest child by 8 months. He is beautiful. His hair is cut short and he has a scar on his forehead and 2 on his head. His eyes shine. His smile is genuine. In the first pictures we have of him he had just lost his 2 front teeth....now they have come in. He is the same height as Eli, but lankier. He has long fingers and knobby knees. He has his arm around another kid in most pictures we see. He has candy or a balloon or a toy in his mouth in 2/3 of the pictures we have of him! In the videos of him singing, he seems to be attentive but quiet. He has experienced more in his little lifetime than I can imagine. He is a child who deserves to be loved and protected. His life deserves to be defended and fought for.
Our journey will be long and we will try to show faith and steadfastness at every turn....but those things will be easier said than done. This adoption, like all adoptions, is not all sunshine and rainbows. I will share the murky parts as we go...because we want to be honest. Thank you for caring and thank you for listening.
At the end of November, I felt, for the first time in a year, the urge to look at the waiting children's portion of our agency's website. I had not looked at the waiting list or even thought about it for almost a year....since Mia came home. The list came to the forefront of my mind and heart and I looked and I prayed...and that was that. I looked everyday for a week or two. There was one face that struck me everyday. There were probably a dozen or so beautiful faces on that page at the time....but everyday my eyes were drawn to the face of the little boy who was the third from the left on the top row. Every time I looked, I would scroll thru all 6 of his pictures a dozen times.
A couple of weeks before Christmas, I did 2 things to quiet my spirit. I emailed our coordinator at IAN and asked about him and then (notice the order :)?) I mentioned to Nathan that I had asked about him. I got a quick reply back from IAN that told me he had not been referred and no one had even looked at his file....and I got a quick reply back from Nathan that was something along the lines of "no way, no how, not now....you are crazy". I am paraphrasing, but that is the general gist!
The truth is that there was a tug in my spirit at that point, but it had not transferred to my head or to my heart. My faith had been stretched to the max when we adopted Mia....an infant, a baby, a child with no memory of where she had been or what she had been thru. All of the questions about time and money and disruptions came rushing back and I reassured myself that Nathan was right....we were good....we were comfortable....we would NOT go there.
And yet, as discomforted as my heart and mind were, my spirit was more so....it would not rest, it would not let me find peace, it would not be quieted. At the beginning of January (3 weeks or so after our initial conversation) I told Nathan that I thought we were supposed to be praying about adopting again. I could not rest and I could not fight it anymore....so I asked him to pray....I told him that I thought we were supposed to be seeking. And my sweet husband (probably already knowing what was coming) smiled at me, sighed, and agreed. It took about 2 weeks....maybe not even that long. I can't remember what precipitated the moment. I can't remember if it was a sermon or a song or a book quote. But I do remember the moment. I looked at him and I said, "You know we are supposed to adopt again, right?" His reply? "I know." That was it..."I know" and our fate was sealed. We had a brief discussion where we decided to start saving and praying and to move forward "in a year or so". That was the timing that worked for us, we figured :) My spirit was comforted and quieted and at peace......for about 5 days. 5 days is how long it took for the Lord to overwhelm me.
My passion....it is what He uses to get us there, remember? This time was no different. His face was everywhere. I saw it when I closed my eyes. I saw it in the faces of my biological sons. I saw him all day long as I tried to go about my day. The specific face of that little boy who was the third from the left on the top row was everywhere I went, all day long. I had put that face out of my mind for more than a month and suddenly, it was everywhere. I went to the computer and tried to pull up the waiting child page. The password had changed and I panicked. That was Saturday, January 15th. On Monday I called IAN and asked for the password....and there he was. I called back and asked about him and was told that somebody had been reviewing his file but that they had had it for 2 weeks and hadn't acted. They would check into it and let me know.
Nathan had told me I could call and ask for the file but "T's" face wasn't on his mind constantly...he was going along with it because he recognizes when I am half-hearted about something and when I will probably let it go. This didn't strike him as a "letting-go" moment in our lives, so he let me run. For 2 days we talked and discussed and prayed and wrestled about a decision we may or may not have to make. I told myself it would be so much easier if the referral had already been accepted. The answers to my questions would be taken care of. I wouldn't have to decide: Could we handle 4 children? Would changing our birth order be ok? Would an older child disrupt our family too much? Would we be able to handle the financial burden? Would our time be stretched too thin? None of them would matter....it would be over and I could rest and be free and go back to my simple life.
And then, on Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from our coordinator and she said "I have a file for you to review". My reaction???? Tears of relief. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over and the tension I did not know I had been holding in my heart broke. Relief washed over me with coolness and cleansing.....and I was shocked. I was relieved?!?!?!?! There was no doubt in my mind what my emotions were....everything was clear....the questions did not matter....he could be mine....and I was relieved.
I came home to talk to Nathan and he told me to give him 2 days to think and pray without pestering him. As if I would ever pester. That night he asked me several questions about "T" and each time he asked me about "our son" :)
By Thursday we decided we needed to talk to our families. We were going to blind-side them. This had all been private, and fast, and passionate. We could feel the calling. We could feel the rightness. We could feel the peace. But we knew that our families would be caught off guard and at square one. We braced ourselves. We fielded questions. We talked and we listened. We were reminded once again of how we have been blessed. Although there were lots of questions and surprised reactions and some bafflement involved.....we never felt unsupported or unloved. We are so blessed to have family and friends who understand us and understand our God and who are willing to walk beside us. They will also choose "T". They will love him and protect him and he will be part of them because he will be part of us. There is no greater gift on this earth.
We prayed over the weekend....but we also plotted how to add a bed:) and on Monday, January 24th, we officially accepted the referral of "T". He will be our son and a co-heir with his brothers and sister. He will become a part of our lives and our hearts and our journey.
Who is he? On paper he will be 6 in April, but he is probably older. This makes him our oldest child by 8 months. He is beautiful. His hair is cut short and he has a scar on his forehead and 2 on his head. His eyes shine. His smile is genuine. In the first pictures we have of him he had just lost his 2 front teeth....now they have come in. He is the same height as Eli, but lankier. He has long fingers and knobby knees. He has his arm around another kid in most pictures we see. He has candy or a balloon or a toy in his mouth in 2/3 of the pictures we have of him! In the videos of him singing, he seems to be attentive but quiet. He has experienced more in his little lifetime than I can imagine. He is a child who deserves to be loved and protected. His life deserves to be defended and fought for.
Our journey will be long and we will try to show faith and steadfastness at every turn....but those things will be easier said than done. This adoption, like all adoptions, is not all sunshine and rainbows. I will share the murky parts as we go...because we want to be honest. Thank you for caring and thank you for listening.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
One Year Later.....
.....anybody surprised to hear from us?? I have been a horrible blogger this year (obviously) and had actually come to the point where I had decided that I probably needed to delete the blog and just let it go.........and then everything changed. I had originally planned on sharing our thoughts and experiences and hearts for adoption over the past year on a regular basis. This obviously did not happen....at all. We held Mia for the first time last year on January 24th. So much has happened since then. My plan (and you know how those can change) is to update much more regularly (really, even once a year would be more regularly at this point), and to look back at the past year with hindsight as we share our future with all of the hope and faith we are using to move forward in our life together....pretty sure this is a major run-on sentence and although I am a stickler for grammar and punctuation, it seems that I believe typing on the blog gives me some type of artistic freedom.
So, what prompted the change of heart, you may ask....well, if there is anybody out there still reading, that is. It is simple: on January 24, 2010 the daughter that had been in our hearts for months became 100% ours in every way....and on January 24, 2011 we accepted the referral of an (almost) 6-year-old boy in Ethiopia who will become our son. SURPRISE!!! We are paper pregnant once again =)
The last two years, as we have walked a journey to our daughter and now to our son, our hearts have grown. They have changed, they have expanded, they have been opened in ways that we never would have expected. As Nathan and I started our lives together 8 years ago, we never would have imagined this journey that the Lord has taken us on. We were young, in love, and perhaps a little naive. We knew our little world....we were aware that there was a bigger world out there....we just knew very little about it. We knew very little about how to live outside of ourselves and of what it meant to truly give your life away. Sure, we gave pieces of our time and part of our life and some of our money.....but not our hearts.....not fully. And then we had children. Elijah opened our eyes to the love that was within us....to what it truly means to love someone more than yourself and to let your heart walk outside of you, where you have no control of it. Whenever we talked about adoption (something that I had always thought about) we said "maybe someday" but it wasn't a part of us...it didn't feel like a passion or a calling. Looking back, I suppose that this is because Eli and then Abel were supposed to exist. They were meant to be. Eli & Abel are part of God's plan...for our lives, for our family, for His creation....and we are so very grateful, everyday that His plan for us included them.
And then the Lord spoke plainly to our hearts....he brought the thought of adoption to the forefront of our minds for the first time. For the first time in my life, although adoption had always been a passing thought and a "maybe someday", adoption was something that was right there....all day long. I started reading and praying and seeking....and I was overwhelmed. 123 million orphans (these were the numbers 2.5 years ago....now estimates are closer to 145 million)....I had no idea. I had no idea that there are so many children with no one to pour bubbles in their baths, kiss their cuts, soothe their aches, teach them their numbers, comfort their fears, encourage their dreams, and believe in them...the list goes on and on. The simple fact is that for the majority of the world the things I mentioned above are not reality. They know fears....but not fears about standing up in front of a room of people to recite lines from a play, or being afraid of pretend monsters, or being afraid to tell their parents they hit their brother. They fear not being able to eat the next day....they fear that the water they drink will kill them....they fear that the baby they hold will be the 1 out of 5 to die before their 5th birthday....they fear famine and disease in a way that I never will. 143 million children have never heard of band-aids and bubble baths. They know fear....but not hopes and dreams. These are the things I discovered 2.5 years ago and they changed the landscape of my heart forever.
As is always the case with us, God used my passion to get us somewhere. I shared my heart and my calling with Nathan and after his own pursuit of knowledge and prayer, his heart and calling joined mine. And as is always the case with us, God used Nathan's steadfastness to keep us there. My passion and his consistency....they are a deadly combination =) And so we leapt into the unknown and pursued our daughter. We had learned so much, but we truly had no idea. We had no idea how much faith would be required of us. We had no idea about the tears we would cry and the things we would learn. We had no idea that we would grow-up and realize the need to live outside of ourselves. Our time, our money, our gifts, our talents, our LIVES....they are not our own and they became tied to a greater purpose at that point.
We brought our daughter home (I think I posted 7 or 8 times about our journey to her if anyone is interested!)and we are so very grateful, everyday that His plan for us included her. We thought that the lessons we had learned were going to be applied purely to trying to make a difference in the lives of orphans. "Our plan" was to become advocates for adoption and advocates for orphans. Our plan was to become involved with groups like FOVC (Friends Of Vulnerable Children) and EOR (Ethiopian Orphan Relief).....these groups are working in Ethiopia to change the living conditions of mothers, fathers, and children. They are working to change the lives of people in Ethiopia so that orphans are not created. They are working to provide food, medicine, training and education so that parents can change their lives and live and live well and provide for their children. We planned on working with these organizations and others like them (there are many, many more that I plan on high-lighting in this blog....both of you still reading this will become so informed!). We still plan on spending our lives and our money and our time and our energy and our gifts and our talents for this work. We are passionate....about adoption, about loving people, about changing lives, and about Ethiopia. One year ago we thought that this would be our ONLY plan....that the above things were what we had been shown and what we would pursue. Our family was complete and we had a mission,end of story.... or so we thought.
And then, well, God kind of laughed at us =) Not a mean or vindictive laugh....but the kind of chuckle that parents give when their children think that they have it all together....the kind of chuckle I imagine I will give myself when my 12-year-old son declares that he has figured it all out and met the girl he will marry.
I saw his face and I decided to pray for him. I mentioned his face to Nathan and he did not even give him a second thought....so neither did I....well, at least for a week or two. We didn't want a 4th child...not really. It had been a passing thought in our conciousness, but once again it was a "maybe someday". And even then, we didn't need another son and we would NEVER change our birth order....can you hear the Father chuckle? I want to give you the details in case you want to hear them, but I think that I have rambled on about our hearts and all we have learned already =) I will be back (before February is over...) and I will tell you about "T" and the journey the Lord has taken our hearts on. We don't know him...we have heard bits and pieces that we hold close to our hearts....but we don't know him and we haven't touched him. And yet, there is no doubt in my mind that we will be so very grateful, everyday, that His plan for us includes him.
So, what prompted the change of heart, you may ask....well, if there is anybody out there still reading, that is. It is simple: on January 24, 2010 the daughter that had been in our hearts for months became 100% ours in every way....and on January 24, 2011 we accepted the referral of an (almost) 6-year-old boy in Ethiopia who will become our son. SURPRISE!!! We are paper pregnant once again =)
The last two years, as we have walked a journey to our daughter and now to our son, our hearts have grown. They have changed, they have expanded, they have been opened in ways that we never would have expected. As Nathan and I started our lives together 8 years ago, we never would have imagined this journey that the Lord has taken us on. We were young, in love, and perhaps a little naive. We knew our little world....we were aware that there was a bigger world out there....we just knew very little about it. We knew very little about how to live outside of ourselves and of what it meant to truly give your life away. Sure, we gave pieces of our time and part of our life and some of our money.....but not our hearts.....not fully. And then we had children. Elijah opened our eyes to the love that was within us....to what it truly means to love someone more than yourself and to let your heart walk outside of you, where you have no control of it. Whenever we talked about adoption (something that I had always thought about) we said "maybe someday" but it wasn't a part of us...it didn't feel like a passion or a calling. Looking back, I suppose that this is because Eli and then Abel were supposed to exist. They were meant to be. Eli & Abel are part of God's plan...for our lives, for our family, for His creation....and we are so very grateful, everyday that His plan for us included them.
And then the Lord spoke plainly to our hearts....he brought the thought of adoption to the forefront of our minds for the first time. For the first time in my life, although adoption had always been a passing thought and a "maybe someday", adoption was something that was right there....all day long. I started reading and praying and seeking....and I was overwhelmed. 123 million orphans (these were the numbers 2.5 years ago....now estimates are closer to 145 million)....I had no idea. I had no idea that there are so many children with no one to pour bubbles in their baths, kiss their cuts, soothe their aches, teach them their numbers, comfort their fears, encourage their dreams, and believe in them...the list goes on and on. The simple fact is that for the majority of the world the things I mentioned above are not reality. They know fears....but not fears about standing up in front of a room of people to recite lines from a play, or being afraid of pretend monsters, or being afraid to tell their parents they hit their brother. They fear not being able to eat the next day....they fear that the water they drink will kill them....they fear that the baby they hold will be the 1 out of 5 to die before their 5th birthday....they fear famine and disease in a way that I never will. 143 million children have never heard of band-aids and bubble baths. They know fear....but not hopes and dreams. These are the things I discovered 2.5 years ago and they changed the landscape of my heart forever.
As is always the case with us, God used my passion to get us somewhere. I shared my heart and my calling with Nathan and after his own pursuit of knowledge and prayer, his heart and calling joined mine. And as is always the case with us, God used Nathan's steadfastness to keep us there. My passion and his consistency....they are a deadly combination =) And so we leapt into the unknown and pursued our daughter. We had learned so much, but we truly had no idea. We had no idea how much faith would be required of us. We had no idea about the tears we would cry and the things we would learn. We had no idea that we would grow-up and realize the need to live outside of ourselves. Our time, our money, our gifts, our talents, our LIVES....they are not our own and they became tied to a greater purpose at that point.
We brought our daughter home (I think I posted 7 or 8 times about our journey to her if anyone is interested!)and we are so very grateful, everyday that His plan for us included her. We thought that the lessons we had learned were going to be applied purely to trying to make a difference in the lives of orphans. "Our plan" was to become advocates for adoption and advocates for orphans. Our plan was to become involved with groups like FOVC (Friends Of Vulnerable Children) and EOR (Ethiopian Orphan Relief).....these groups are working in Ethiopia to change the living conditions of mothers, fathers, and children. They are working to change the lives of people in Ethiopia so that orphans are not created. They are working to provide food, medicine, training and education so that parents can change their lives and live and live well and provide for their children. We planned on working with these organizations and others like them (there are many, many more that I plan on high-lighting in this blog....both of you still reading this will become so informed!). We still plan on spending our lives and our money and our time and our energy and our gifts and our talents for this work. We are passionate....about adoption, about loving people, about changing lives, and about Ethiopia. One year ago we thought that this would be our ONLY plan....that the above things were what we had been shown and what we would pursue. Our family was complete and we had a mission,end of story.... or so we thought.
And then, well, God kind of laughed at us =) Not a mean or vindictive laugh....but the kind of chuckle that parents give when their children think that they have it all together....the kind of chuckle I imagine I will give myself when my 12-year-old son declares that he has figured it all out and met the girl he will marry.
I saw his face and I decided to pray for him. I mentioned his face to Nathan and he did not even give him a second thought....so neither did I....well, at least for a week or two. We didn't want a 4th child...not really. It had been a passing thought in our conciousness, but once again it was a "maybe someday". And even then, we didn't need another son and we would NEVER change our birth order....can you hear the Father chuckle? I want to give you the details in case you want to hear them, but I think that I have rambled on about our hearts and all we have learned already =) I will be back (before February is over...) and I will tell you about "T" and the journey the Lord has taken our hearts on. We don't know him...we have heard bits and pieces that we hold close to our hearts....but we don't know him and we haven't touched him. And yet, there is no doubt in my mind that we will be so very grateful, everyday, that His plan for us includes him.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
UPDATES & MEET OUR DAUGHTER!!!!
Okay....so, I am officially the worst blogger on the face of the earth....I promise to catch you up on everything that has happened with the adoption....but first, the most important thing....we are officially the parents of the most beautiful baby girl in the world....meet Mia Rahel Flowers.....
Okay....#1....I know that the pictures are in a funny spot....I am lucky that I got them to upload at all...if it weren't for one of my dearest friends, Leslie, they still wouldn't be here =) And if it weren't for prompting from my best friend from high school, I would probably still be avoiding trying to figure it out (thanks, Hannah!). So, with that said.....let me try to catch you up! We heard about our court date on November 10...I got a phone call from our coordinator telling us that we had a court date of December 9th! Not only did we hear about our court date sooner than we had anticipated....but it was also only 5 weeks away. Now, 5 weeks has never felt like such an eternity...but in the adoption world, it is definitely something to be grateful for! So....fast forward thru 5 weeks of me trying to stay busy and come up with other things to think about....and on December 9th....well, at 9:30am we got a phone call from our coordinator saying that they were pretty sure none of our cases were heard and that we were waiting to hear about being rescheduled.....enter 2 of the worst hours we have been thru....it felt like we had been punched in the stomach and had the rug pulled out from under us.....I am so grateful that that feeling only lasted for 2 hours for us and have the utmost empathy for those who have to overcome that feeling on their own and get thru weeks waiting for their next courtdate.....really, my heart goes out to those families in a way that it never could if I hadn't had the tiniest taste of it myself. So...after 2 hours curled in a ball on the couch....we got a call and Allison's exact words were..."I have good news....I have no idea how it happened....but YOU PASSED". And that was it....enter total shock and elation (and some heartsick at the same time for the families that went to court with us and got rescheduled....luckily, we have all passed at this point....which is great!). We spent the rest of the day in a bit of a fog and the next couple of days celebrating. After that I buckled down and got serious about trying to get all of our paperwork, etc. together and start packing. We have been confirmed for the January 27th embassy date (which is 7 weeks from passing court) and we leave from Denver on Friday, January 22nd. We arrive late on the 23rd in Ethiopia and go get our baby on Sunday morning! At this point we are feeling very excited and very blessed.....and to be perfectly honest, alot overwhelmed. We have been trying to sort clothes and clean closets and paint the baby's room and get her added to insurance and all of the stuff you always do with the arrival of a baby......and on top of it, I am doing immigration paperwork, tracking down more paperwork, trying to buy and pack everything we might need and make sure that Nate's parents (who we are so thankful for) have everything they need to watch our magoos while we are gone. AHHHHHH!!!! Like all journeys that are a little overwhelming, this one will be so worth it....but it is still a little overwhelming =)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
OUR BABY!!!
That's right.....we have seen our daughter!! Let me start by saying that I know I have been very absent from the blogosphere and doing a truly terrible job of keeping everyone informed. We moved up to #1 on the list on October 2nd. Now, while I have been counting the seconds for 7 months to get to that point.....it was different than I thought it would be when we got there and I just didn't have the right words for the blog. Don't get me wrong....we were elated to finally be waiting to see OUR daughter. We have loved every second of seeing other parents and children find each other and have truly rejoiced along the way with them....it has really been the only thing that has kept me sane thru the waiting thus far....and we really were over the moon to be waiting for our daughter. But the elation also came with anxiety and exhaustion and a little bit of the depression that you fight the entire wait as you check your phone to make sure it is working approximately a million times a day. So....I just didn't have the words and was trying to remain centered in the life that I am in with my husband and my amazing children and avoid going wacko (although I think that it is too late for that!)
But....enough of that.....especially since you probably don't even care that you didn't know we were #1 and just want to hear about our baby!!! Let's see......she is GORGEOUS....and I mean that! She has a perky little mouth and HUGE eyes and long skinny fingers and tons of soft looking hair! I would love, love, love nothing more than to post a picture right away but we aren't allowed to until after she is home with us. Ethiopia has set guidelines to protect our children and so we certainly want to honor that.....as much as we would love to show her off in all her adorableness!! I'm also not supposed to mention her name on here until we pass court....but it is also beautiful!! From now until then I will probably just call her "the baby"....so don't think that we are horrible people who don't call their baby by her name =) I don't know what else I am allowed to post on here.....she is TINY and healthy and we are so, so thankful for how we have been blessed. We actually received "the call" on Friday late afternoon. Nate & I were both working. I had heard my phone ring a couple of times but wasn't really at a place where I could look at it. Finally, at 1:45 I picked it up and noticed the missed calls from a 303 # (our agency is in Denver)....and my heart almost stopped. Our coordinator had left the most calm message in the world asking me to call her....and then yelled at me when I called her back!! Just kidding.....she didn't yell at us.....but she did ask why the heck neither of us had answered our phones for over an hour while she tried to call us with the most exciting news in the world (my excuse was work....my wonderful husband, however, had dropped his cell phone in an irrigation ditch 2 days before and it could not be resuscitated and had yet to be replaced). Then she told us what she knew and I cried and half listened as I tried to figure out how to get out of work quickly =) I finally got out of work and met Nate & the boys at his parents' house....we were on our way to Denver to meet Nate's family and because we had an adoption training Saturday. We had planned on leaving straight from work but obviously we needed to get to a computer!!! And then we hugged and were stunned for a while.....this is the way we always react to big events in our lives....we didn't speak the day we got engaged or the day we found out we were pregnant with Eli....we had to talk when we found out we were pregnant with Abel because we were packing the U-Haul to move back to CO....I know....stellar timing, right??? Okay...I don't even remember where I am in this story you probably don't even really care about because I think I got a little side-tracked=) We are just so, so excited. We are so blessed by God's mercy and unfailing love and are sure that she will feel like she has always been here=)
So....what comes next???? WAITING....that's right.....more waiting!! We now have to pass court in Ethiopia. Hopefully we will here about a court date in the next 4-6 weeks and hopefully that date will only be 4-6 weeks after we hear about it. The courts just re-opened after their annual closing for the rainy season so nobody has a very good idea of how long court dates are taking at this point. At that point we pray, pray, pray like crazy that we pass court the 1st time....and then we have to wait some more....for our US embassy date. Our embassy date will probably be 8 weeks after we pass court...that's right....we have to wait 2 more months after we pass court to go get our daughter. No idea how we are going to survive the next few months of waiting now that we have seen her face....but at least we are one step closer.
So, prayer requests....please pray for a swift court date and for a positive outcome. I would also love to request prayers for some families with our agency who have court dates tomorrow (I believe there are 4 of them).....I know 2 of the women personally thru our trainings (hello Anne & Anne....thinking about you!) and all of them thru the IAN forum I am on with other mothers. They have been waiting for a very long time to be told they are officially the parents of the children they have been longing for....please pray for favorable outcomes for them!!!
Thank you all so much for your love and support.....I assure you that no part of this journey would have been possible without them!!
But....enough of that.....especially since you probably don't even care that you didn't know we were #1 and just want to hear about our baby!!! Let's see......she is GORGEOUS....and I mean that! She has a perky little mouth and HUGE eyes and long skinny fingers and tons of soft looking hair! I would love, love, love nothing more than to post a picture right away but we aren't allowed to until after she is home with us. Ethiopia has set guidelines to protect our children and so we certainly want to honor that.....as much as we would love to show her off in all her adorableness!! I'm also not supposed to mention her name on here until we pass court....but it is also beautiful!! From now until then I will probably just call her "the baby"....so don't think that we are horrible people who don't call their baby by her name =) I don't know what else I am allowed to post on here.....she is TINY and healthy and we are so, so thankful for how we have been blessed. We actually received "the call" on Friday late afternoon. Nate & I were both working. I had heard my phone ring a couple of times but wasn't really at a place where I could look at it. Finally, at 1:45 I picked it up and noticed the missed calls from a 303 # (our agency is in Denver)....and my heart almost stopped. Our coordinator had left the most calm message in the world asking me to call her....and then yelled at me when I called her back!! Just kidding.....she didn't yell at us.....but she did ask why the heck neither of us had answered our phones for over an hour while she tried to call us with the most exciting news in the world (my excuse was work....my wonderful husband, however, had dropped his cell phone in an irrigation ditch 2 days before and it could not be resuscitated and had yet to be replaced). Then she told us what she knew and I cried and half listened as I tried to figure out how to get out of work quickly =) I finally got out of work and met Nate & the boys at his parents' house....we were on our way to Denver to meet Nate's family and because we had an adoption training Saturday. We had planned on leaving straight from work but obviously we needed to get to a computer!!! And then we hugged and were stunned for a while.....this is the way we always react to big events in our lives....we didn't speak the day we got engaged or the day we found out we were pregnant with Eli....we had to talk when we found out we were pregnant with Abel because we were packing the U-Haul to move back to CO....I know....stellar timing, right??? Okay...I don't even remember where I am in this story you probably don't even really care about because I think I got a little side-tracked=) We are just so, so excited. We are so blessed by God's mercy and unfailing love and are sure that she will feel like she has always been here=)
So....what comes next???? WAITING....that's right.....more waiting!! We now have to pass court in Ethiopia. Hopefully we will here about a court date in the next 4-6 weeks and hopefully that date will only be 4-6 weeks after we hear about it. The courts just re-opened after their annual closing for the rainy season so nobody has a very good idea of how long court dates are taking at this point. At that point we pray, pray, pray like crazy that we pass court the 1st time....and then we have to wait some more....for our US embassy date. Our embassy date will probably be 8 weeks after we pass court...that's right....we have to wait 2 more months after we pass court to go get our daughter. No idea how we are going to survive the next few months of waiting now that we have seen her face....but at least we are one step closer.
So, prayer requests....please pray for a swift court date and for a positive outcome. I would also love to request prayers for some families with our agency who have court dates tomorrow (I believe there are 4 of them).....I know 2 of the women personally thru our trainings (hello Anne & Anne....thinking about you!) and all of them thru the IAN forum I am on with other mothers. They have been waiting for a very long time to be told they are officially the parents of the children they have been longing for....please pray for favorable outcomes for them!!!
Thank you all so much for your love and support.....I assure you that no part of this journey would have been possible without them!!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
On My Heart
On my heart.....basically, my baby.....and her mother. Her mother has actually REALLY been on my heart since July 18. I mean, through this process I have obviously thought about the existence of my baby and of her birth mother. However, July 18th it really hit me.....my daughter....who will be loved for, bathed, fed, played with, cared for & adored in my home.....has a different mother at this point.....and her heart is broken. My eyes filled up with tears multiple times a day for days in a row as I thought about her and prayed for her and hoped that she will be able to find some peace. I cannot possibly imagine her side of things. I have 2 beautiful children who I am able to care for well (I mean...they don't always brush their teeth or have on underwear....but you know what I mean) and am so looking forward to having my wished-for daughter home. I have never been anywhere close to having to even fathom for a second not being able to spend my life with my child. Our daughter feels like she is already a part of me.....and at the same time she is a part of her birth mother.....I can only imagine that she feels (or felt if she has passed) as though a part of herself is being ripped away. It is so hard to connect my joy to so much pain....and yet they are connected.....and always will be.....and I pray that my knowledge of the gift she sacrificed will make me appreciate our daughter (and our sons) even more every second.
I have also thought about my daughter constantly lately....I know that she is alive at this point and that seems to have changed my perspective to think about her constantly. I think about her....and all of the other orphans around the world.....when I tuck my sons in at night.....when their stomachs hurt and I give them a bath and a tums......when they are scared in the night and we run to comfort them.....when Abel scrapes his knee and needs a kiss and a bandaid.....when Eli is so excited he got the ball thru the hoop and we celebrate........I think of the kids without mothers or fathers. I literally ache with the knowledge that there are so many children who do not have someone to bathe them when they don't feel well or treat their cuts & scrapes with love and attention. I am coming for my daughter.....but what about the others???
Kind of a heavy post but there has been alot on my heart lately.....the wait is getting hard....the burden I feel for the plight of orphans is heavy.....and I haven't had the words for my feelings for the last few weeks. I still don't really have the words but I had to try!
As far as our personal journey, we are #2 on the waiting list!! There is only one family ahead of us on the list for a baby girl at this point, so "the call" could literally come any day. I have officially taken to stalking my phone and the computer....I am afraid I am becoming obnoxious!
I have also thought about my daughter constantly lately....I know that she is alive at this point and that seems to have changed my perspective to think about her constantly. I think about her....and all of the other orphans around the world.....when I tuck my sons in at night.....when their stomachs hurt and I give them a bath and a tums......when they are scared in the night and we run to comfort them.....when Abel scrapes his knee and needs a kiss and a bandaid.....when Eli is so excited he got the ball thru the hoop and we celebrate........I think of the kids without mothers or fathers. I literally ache with the knowledge that there are so many children who do not have someone to bathe them when they don't feel well or treat their cuts & scrapes with love and attention. I am coming for my daughter.....but what about the others???
Kind of a heavy post but there has been alot on my heart lately.....the wait is getting hard....the burden I feel for the plight of orphans is heavy.....and I haven't had the words for my feelings for the last few weeks. I still don't really have the words but I had to try!
As far as our personal journey, we are #2 on the waiting list!! There is only one family ahead of us on the list for a baby girl at this point, so "the call" could literally come any day. I have officially taken to stalking my phone and the computer....I am afraid I am becoming obnoxious!
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